The Power of “NO”

We’ve all read the book The Power of Now, but have you ever considered the power of “no”?

The world often nudges us to seize every moment, to fling ourselves into new experiences with an enthusiastic “yes,” even when those opportunities feel intimidating or stretch us thin. For a prolonged period of my life, I embodied that mindset - after being taught by a determined and liberated mother that it was OK to say “no”, I shocked myself by becoming a self-proclaimed “yes” woman, always ready to dive into adventures, embrace challenges and take on whatever came my way. I said “yes” to spontaneous road trips, to last-minute favours, to projects that promised “exposure” over payment or substance. I even said “yes” to a marriage proposal - AND got married - when I actually didn’t really want to! THAT’s how pathetic I was! I thought saying “yes” was me being positive and like the guy in the book The Yes Man, many of my yeses ended in tears.

It’s only recently that I’ve clawed back the power - the fearlessness I had when I was younger - and mustered up the courage to use the N word again.

I posted about this on X, and one X friend (I hate the word ‘follower’ - I’m not a guru!) said a mate of theirs called the no word ‘Vitamin N’. I said I might steal that as a title for this article but I ultimately decided that’d be a bit cheeky. Thought I’d mention it anyway.

I’ve only recently remembered how powerful that word is and how powerful it made me feel. It made me feel good, in control and not hard-done-by as the yes word often made me feel. I used to be so disappointed in myself saying yes when I really meant no. The more I did it, the more I hated myself.

Only recently, decades later, did I learn that a simple “no” with no follow-up excuses or reasons carries more weight and liberation than I ever remembered. But it’s all coming back to me now. Let me share what these two shifts looked like…

As a child, teenager and young adult, I found ‘no’ easy. As a mother, my children knew that ‘no’ meant ‘no’. Working as a freelance journalist, I was great at saying the word. I remember the first time it happened, back in the day when working for free wasn’t unheard of but unusual. (This was way before ‘work experience’ and internships which, I must say, seemed a most peculiar thing to people of my generation when they were first introduced.) A features editor on an Australian magazine called (yes, we used to communicate by phone back  in the 80s) and asked me to write an article for her magazine. She meticulously carved out a brief, telling me exactly what she wanted. I asked what the payment would be and, shockingly, she said “oh, there isn’t any payment.” I told her I didn’t work for free. She responded “but the journalist Vicky Smith* writes for us for free!” I replied abruptly “then get Vicky Smith to do it!” and hung up. I was disappointed because I’d have loved to have written that particular feature for that particular magazine but for no money? No way!

So what happened? I used to be so bold, so confident, so happy to say “no” if the terms offered didn’t suit me but, for some reason, I slowly slid into becoming not so much a “yes woman” but a “yes” woman. Not an “absolutely - let’s go for it” person but a “ok - I’ll give it a try” type. This shift - and I’m still trying to pinpoint when it crept up on me - manifested in many different ways, none of them good.

Harking back to my “no” days recently made me wonder why I went through such a long “yes” phase and why it’s only now that I’m taking back the power of NO.

Writing for free was a big no-no back then but in the last five years, I’ve not only written for free, but did shows for free, appeared on pod-casts for free and worked as a producer, on occasion, for free. I’m an experienced journalist so what was I thinking?

A millionaire friend of a friend once told me that when you’ve been doing the same job for decades, you become an expert. He told me that when a person in this situation hits 50, they must immediately set themselves up as a consultant. That’s what he did, he said, and that’s how he became a millionaire. That conversation stuck in my head but I never acted on his sterling advice. Why? I don’t know.

I think my confidence was battered at some point - again, I’m not sure when - but I reached a point maybe about 15 years ago - when I started to allow people to take advantage of me. Maybe I wanted to appear nicer than I felt or kinder than I believed myself to be. I’d been unkind, I’d been selfish - maybe this was my rather Catholic way of trying to make amends. A bit of self-flagellation, if you like. Perhaps I wasn’t as great as I once thought I was. Perhaps I wasn’t worthy of great riches or even of anything good at all.

But now, after years of penance, I feel it’s time to free myself. And that includes taking possession once more, of the no word!

Giving a short sharp ‘no’ response to people who expect you to leap at the chance of doing stuff for them is extremely liberating. The relief is instant - no resentment, no overextension, just clarity.

When a friend texted a few months ago if I could spend a week at her house looking after her two dogs, I just said “no”. She was shocked and asked why. I replied “because I don’t want to” and even that was a bit more explanation than I wanted to give. But I understand that this is a slow process and that reclaiming the power of no is going to take some time. That urge to explain or make excuses rises as soon as the word is uttered and it takes some effort to bite my tongue but I know that the word is more powerful when it stands alone, when it’s served on its own with no follow-up blathering.

I’ve been asked so many times to work for free on ‘passion projects’, with promises of future payment. I used to get sucked in every time. But no more. Passion is all well and good but it doesn’t pay the bills. Imagine telling my landlord “I can’t pay the rent this month but I’m working on this incredible project!” Do you think he’d care?

If I have an idea for a project and choose to invest time in it, that’s different. But if someone expects me to work for them for nothing, that’s not going to happen. Yesterday, yes; today, no. I’m fed up of other people undervaluing my expertise and my time. These days, I just say “no” and feel stronger and happier for it.

Setting up a support group in 2021 for the relatives of victims of involuntary euthanasia was a great idea. But it eventually became too much. I’d made myself too available and was getting calls and messages 24/7. A few months ago, after four years at the helm, I stepped out of it. The old me would have continued, desperate to help and please, even if it meant sleepless nights, constant stress and permanently high blood pressure, but the new me said “NO.”

Try it yourself. Say no to something small, then something bigger. It’s like flexing a muscle you didn’t know you had. Each “no” feels like reclaiming a piece of yourself, a declaration that your time and energy are yours to allocate.

The power of “no” lies in its ability to protect your boundaries and reflect a profound self-respect. Society often casts saying “no” as rude or ungrateful, as if you’re shirking responsibility or snubbing kindness. But choosing “no” isn’t about being difficult - it’s about honoring what aligns with your values and capacity. I used to worry my refusals would make me seem cold or unappreciative, but I’ve learned that a clear, honest “no” is far kinder than a reluctant “yes” that breeds resentment.

Life moves fast and every second counts. Why waste it on commitments that don’t serve you? Saying “yes” when you mean “no” doesn’t just shortchange you - it muddies the waters for others too. Being polite is one thing but betraying your own needs is another. A direct “no” cuts through the noise and, more often than not, people respect the clarity. Those who don’t? They’re the ones who benefit most from learning you’re not a pushover.

Choosing “no” should never carry shame. It’s not a rejection of others - it’s an affirmation of yourself. In a world where so many say “yes” out of fear, obligation or pressure, those who say “no” with conviction stand out. They leave an impression, not as ungrateful or uncooperative but as someone who knows their worth and isn’t afraid to act on it.

You have full authority over your mind, body, and choices. If anyone tries to make you feel otherwise, let your “no” be a firm, unapologetic reminder of that power. I’ve said “no” to free work, to draining favours, to impossible demands and, each time, it’s reinforced my autonomy. Never underestimate the strength of choosing what’s right for you - it’s a quiet revolution that reshapes how you move through the world. Grab it, own it and use it.